The Balancing Act

An aeroplane. I am in one right now. Writing. Trying to, at least. I had mentally prepared to write while I was in the plane but I've spent the first 1.5 hours of the two hour flight, sleeping. Tired, am I? It's been a dramatic last few weeks. Dramatic sounds a bit too dramatic but I'm going to stick to that and let you decide the 'correctness' of the usage.

It's the first of March today. The semester started a good eight weeks ago. As I look back, academically I haven't 'gained' much. I have just put in a bit of effort before the exams to get through them. This hasn't been the case with me in the earlier semesters. At least not in all of them, albeit a few. Well, but again I have only had three semesters before this. But you're getting the point. It's been different.

Eight weeks. Long time. I sort of know where my time went, tentatively. Have been applying for internships since September. The year began on no different note in this respect. The same old mailing continued. To add to my hopes, colleges floated their so called 'Centralised Internship' programs. Statement of Purpose! Oh, writing these has been some journey. Running around for Letter of Recommendations. Aah, that was fun? 1st March. Still unsure about where my summers are going to be. This is an important summer and rightly so. In a four year program, I should have some experience at the halfway point. Life ka sawaal hai after all yaar!

ForEx. Man, this has been one hell of a preparation. ForEx stands for 'Foreign Exchange' for those of you who are wondering. This has been the buzz word for 2017, atleast among the IIT Delhi janta. Just a quick background. We get a chance to spend a semester in a foreign University! One Entire Semester. Foreign. Yesss! You read it right. It's an attractive proposition, it was for me! I needed 'fundas' to crack this. Gathering bits and pieces from seniors, I started introspecting- this was the key. The whole 'me' time to 'explore' the various dimensions that I travelled in. This was interesting to say the least. On a given day, our thought process can be so shallow; reminds me of a narrow street, but a crowded one. We doubt ourselves. This doubt creates an existential fear. Fear of being left in the dark. Darkness where our capabilities are hidden. But this is just a thought. A shallow one. An introspection changes all that. It does, believe me. You realize what you're made of. Stardust, they say. Rightly so.

I wrote it all down. Those attributes which I felt differentiated me from the rest. Shadows that were 'darker' than the rest. This itself gave me a sense of satisfaction. I finally got to know 'me'.

An SOP submission, a written exam, interview preparation. So far, so good. Confidence for the interview, spot on.  But the interview was weird. Vague of sorts. They didn't get too much 'into' me. Centred around my foreign travels with a background focus on my extra-currics, it did last a fair amount of time. I was convinced, and I say this with utmost honesty, that it was not to be. I felt I should have circumvented the discussion of my travels outside India, feeling they would not go well with the panel.  It was not to be. 

Seven of the eight weeks had passed. I haven't told anything dramatic so far. And you probably won't find it in the rest of the article. It's not tangible of sorts. The incidents per say weren't out of the blue. What I was going through was. The vibes. I hadn't been paying attention in classes, for quite a while. My performances were ordinary too. I could feel the workload building up. And I wasn't even doing anything about it. I felt guilty. I still didn't do anything. Instead, I went to Rajasthan, to cater to my travelling fetishes.

Travelling in a caravan, cramped with twenty people with allocated space for an odd group of ten, I thought I would write a travel blog once I was back. But going through my previous experience of getting into the minute details of trips, I was confident of messing that up. I have started mentioning about my trip in this article, but I don't know the depth of the detail and the corresponding trouble you're going to face. Bear with me. Please.

That caravan had people from different classes of society. And the difference was huge. It had me, wearing as much branded stuff as I possibly could and it had the local villagers. Quite a contrast indeed. I was lost in their simplistic beauty whilst they didn't even pass the cursory glance at me. I guess they were happy with the way things were going. It was me who needed a break. It was me who had come to release that 'stress'. It was me who was in search of that beauty. They seemed to have found it. Simple pleasures.

Jal Mahal. Sunrise in the background. Amber Fort. Architectural work at the zenith. Hawa Mahal. The wind did the trick. Albert Museum. Glowing in the dark. Fancy cafes. Local food tickling my sweet spot. That's Jaipur, folks.

Ajmer. The Darga. Oh, I felt it. The vibes. They were strong too. I didn't have a clear picture in my head. But there were emotions. The place, the people, the Qawali. Take me back, please.

Home to hundreds of temples and the only Brahma Mandir in India, Pushkar has a whole different story to tell. I wouldn't want to get to the crux of the religious 'feels' the place has to offer. The night life deserves more attention? I am a foodie. Cafes, good cafes are always on my bucket list. Puskhar. Oh, Pushkar! The narrow streets. Foreigners all around, high on life? High. Cafes. OMG. Could swap most Delhi cafes for the ones there. Trust me.

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani. Destination wedding. Ranbir. Deepika. Sunset. Udaipur toh pakka jaana haii! Well, the company I had was of a different sorts, but I managed? Love. Pure Love. I don't know a whole lot of adjectives, so I'm going to stick to 'Beautiful'. Udaipur is Beautiful.

Hmm. That wraps up my travel blog. I'm as happy as you are that that ended. But the trip? Oh, I needed it. So refreshed after that. Got more of that 'me' time. Not to think. But just be away from the hustle of the everyday 'junk'. Getting back. I need to get back. Mentally. I think I am ready for that. Phir se Ud Chala.

I'm in the hostel. I get a call. 'You're second in the ForEx'. Dude? Shut up! I had given up on it. 'The list is out in the college'. I run. Could barely walk. Took a rickshaw. Not getting selected, I would be fine with that. But after what I had heard on the phone, not getting selected after that would hurt. Hurt real bad. I reached college. My heart beating fast all along. Never felt so anxious before. I see the list. I was second. I was bloodyy happppyy!!!

The ForEx didn't mean so much to me. Not as much as my emotions were showcasing. I don’t know. The result did surprise me. But my reaction to that surprises me even more. Probably it was the entire process. I had put effort to crack this. Maybe that's what made it special. Avoiding details was what I learnt after the interview. Well, now. Frank hona chahiye yaar! :)

I have gone through a lot in the past eight weeks. Unreal. And yet the negligence of my academics makes me guilty. Have I built them up so much? Reality. Being disciplined is undoubtedly important. But at what cost, I wonder. Getting the balance right, that's the key. That's what I am after. The balance. An art.